Research Monkeys

You may recall an article I linked to years ago on Slate about whether or not human DNA is compatible with any other animals. Stalin had the same questions (and who doesn’t‽), and in fact had a small program where they tried to mate humans with monkeys. Apparently those monkeys’ decedents are still hanging around the Research Institute of Experimental Pathology and Therapy in Abkhazia!

Few townspeople use the fancy name anymore; they just point toward the building on the hill and speak of the “monkey sanctuary”. The 286 surviving animals are descended from the thousands that populated the laboratories of the Soviet Union’s preeminent primate research institute.

[…]

Many of the monkeys escaped into snowy winters and harsh wilderness, or were freed by sympathetic bystanders who realized they were starving, unwittingly dooming many to death from exposure. In the wildest days of bloodletting, with primates running loose, some of the soldiers took to keeping baby monkeys perched on their shoulders as surreal mascots. Only a few of the animals survived in their cages, kept alive by a few stalwart staff members and tenderhearted locals.

Abominations

A scientific study released recently revealed that humans contain some Neanderthal DNA. Neanderthals and humans are different species, so this means there was some freaky inter-species mating going on. Slate’s Explainer column today presents an article titled, “Can humans mate with other animals?”

Now, that title’s pretty badass on its own. I mean, who *wouldn’t *want to read about that? But it’s not until the second-to-last paragraph that it truly blew my mind (emphasis added):

Neanderthals weren’t our ancestors’ only dalliance with other primates. “Pre-humans” and “pre-chimpanzees” interbred and gave birth to hybrids millions of years ago. In the 1920s, Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin sent an animal-breeding expert to Africa in hopes of creating an army of half-man, half-monkey soldiers. Attempts both to inseminate women with monkey sperm and impregnate female chimpanzees with human sperm failed.

How, I ask you, how could any journalist write an article containing those words — presented as fact — and not decide to write more on the topic? Half-human, half-monkey commies don’t deserve their own article? Here’s Slate’s source, for further reading.

Imagine this little guy on the wrong side.